Abuse Isn’t Just Physical: What I Wish I’d Understood Sooner

I grew up with abuse. But that didn’t mean I understood all the forms it could take.

My dad was abusive to my mom and to us kids. My twin brother and I were 15 when we left with our mom for the final time. Before that, my mom had tried to leave countless times, and we were there to witness it all.

I share that because leaving was not a simple, one-time event for our family. There were many attempts before the final one. I want to speak about those experiences with compassion, both for my mom and for anyone whose path out of an abusive relationship has been complicated.

As a teenager, and later as an adult, I still had a limited understanding of abuse. I thought abuse was “just” physical. I didn’t understand how many other ways a person could be harmed or controlled within a relationship.

My ex was not physically abusive. It wasn’t until I went to a transition house with my three children that I began to understand the different forms of abuse.

After we separated, my ex and I continued living in the same home for a little over a month. To say things were not going well would be an understatement. While I am not going to go into details in this post about the specifics of what was happening during that time, it was very unhealthy for us all. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that something else had to happen. My ex was not being very cooperative. As a result, I had a consultation with a lawyer. After hearing what was happening in the house, he told me I needed to take my children to a transition house.

I had never even heard of a transition house before.

I called four different transition houses and explained what was going on in our home. Every one of them told me the same thing: I needed to get myself and my children out of that environment and into a transition house. Each time I would talk with one woman who told me this, I would say goodbye and try calling another transition house. And, again, and, again, and again. 

Eventually, I stopped calling new houses and listened to Sarah, a wonderful, supportive person at Ishtar’s Libra House, as she explained the next steps.

I was scared, but I knew this was what I needed to do.

During my stay, I learned about forms of abuse I hadn’t understood before. I also began learning what healthy love actually looked and felt like—or what it should look and feel like. That experience changed my understanding of both abuse and care. It changed my life. 

That is part of why I’m sharing this now. I want someone else to have access to this understanding sooner than I did.

Below is a brief introduction to some forms of abuse and controlling behaviours. These are general examples to help explain the terms. In future posts, I’ll explore several of them in more detail.

• Physical abuse involves physical force or threats of physical harm. It can include hitting, pushing, restraining someone, or preventing them from leaving. It does not have to leave a visible injury to matter. The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s guide explains how physical abuse can take different forms.
• Emotional and psychological abuse can involve humiliation, intimidation, insults, threats, and behaviours that undermine someone’s confidence or sense of worth. Repeatedly degrading a partner or frightening them into doing what you want are examples. The Public Health Agency of Canada identifies these as forms of abuse.
• Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that makes someone question their own memory, perceptions, or understanding of events. For example, someone may repeatedly deny things they said or did and insist that the other person’s memory cannot be trusted. The pattern and context matter; people can remember something differently without gaslighting one another. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains gaslighting here.
• Financial and economic abuse can involve controlling someone’s access to money, preventing them from working, or putting debt in their name. Money and access to resources become ways of restricting their independence. The Public Health Agency of Canada’s overview includes examples of economic abuse.
• Sexual abuse and reproductive coercion involve violations of consent or control over sexual and reproductive choices. Examples include pressuring someone into sexual activity, interfering with contraception, or using threats to influence whether someone continues a pregnancy. Being in a relationship does not create an obligation to have sex. These behaviours are explained in the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s guide.
• Digital abuse and stalking can involve using technology to monitor, intimidate, or repeatedly contact someone against their wishes. Examples include secretly tracking their location or monitoring their activity through devices and accounts. The Public Health Agency of Canada describes how harassment and stalking can happen online as well as in person.
• Spiritual abuse can involve using someone’s religious or spiritual beliefs to shame or control them, prevent them from practising their beliefs, or justify mistreatment. It can happen within an intimate relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s guide includes this often-overlooked form of abuse.

Another term worth understanding is coercive control. It describes a pattern of behaviour that limits a person’s freedom and ability to make their own choices. Isolation, surveillance, intimidation, and financial restrictions can work together as part of that pattern. The Public Health Agency of Canada explains how these behaviours can leave someone feeling trapped. The government of Canada also put out a comprehensive PDF describing coercive control and even what it looks like after separation. While I will not go into it right now, my ex husband was found to be committing family violence as a result of his behaviour after separation. Keep in mind, this was not physical abuse, but many other forms of abuse which are recognized by the Family Law Act as Family Violence. 

These forms of abuse can overlap. You do not have to identify with every example for your experiences to deserve attention and support.

For me, understanding began with conversations—with a lawyer, with the people who answered those four phone calls, and with the people who supported us at the transition house. I didn’t have all the words when I first reached out. I described what was happening, and they helped me understand my options.

If you’re reading this and beginning to question something in your own relationship, you don’t need to have everything figured out before seeking support. A local abuse-support service can help you explore your circumstances and options. Lila.help is one place to look for support organizations in different countries.

In the coming posts, I’ll take a closer look at different forms of abuse, with more examples and resources. My hope is that we can help one another recognize and understand things that may have been difficult to name.

I wish I had understood sooner. That is the understanding I hope to help someone else find.